Musings: My six relationship tips for 2013

Musings & Younger Perspectives:
My top 6 relationship tips for the New Year | By Sophia Agtarap

The proverbial ball has dropped. Well, literally, I guess, for those who were at some celebration for New Year’s Eve. The New Year is here! Some of you are saying, “Good riddance to 2012” (I know this because I’ve seen your Facebook posts and tweets!), while others are sad to see it end.

Some of you may have made resolutions while others are still deciding if you should or not.

And one of those resolutions may have to do with a romantic relationship you have or are considering. I’m probably the last person who should be dishing out relationship advice, but maybe all my stopping and starting and listening and reflecting has also afforded me this opportunity to share what I’ve gathered through experience and the collective wisdom of the Intewebs and social media, of course. You know, all that live and learn stuff.

So, new year, new goals; I’ll start with the top crowdsourced tips. Feel free to order them however you like and add what I missed in the comment section:

1. Speak out loud.
Don’t assume your partner can or will [or should] read your mind. I know that I’m pretty guilty of this. I have certain expectations and needs and have faulted the other person for not meeting them when I haven’t been clear enough to verbalize them. I come from a culture where there are topics that you don’t talk about. Perhaps that speaks to your family situations, too. One friend, Audrey, offered this advice: Speak out loud. Difficult truths, fears, & feelings become toxic when they aren’t dealt with. Tactful, gentle conversations about the scariest of topics can excise the demons where pretending they don’t exist just allows them to grow. Maybe you need to write down what you’ll say or practice it with someone. However you need to prepare yourself, take a deep breath and talk about it. It opens the door to honest, and hopefully healthier dialogue in the future.

2. Respect one another’s space.
I’m not just talking about physical space, but emotional, mental and spiritual, too. I know in the early stages of a relationship you’re going to want to spend every moment with your new person. You might even feel like her/his interests need to become yours. In other words, don’t drag them to church with you and don’t make them talk about things they aren’t ready to talk about – at least not yet. Pace yourself and remember that you’re two different people who had hobbies and friends and work and commitments before you started dating. Honor those things as your relationship grows.

3. Relationships aren’t 50/50.
There’s definitely some give and take and compromise that’s going to happen, but it’s not going to be an even split down the middle – at least not for most people. My friend, Stephen, had this to share from his marriage: Sometimes, you have to put in 70% and other times hope that your partner puts in 70% when you need it. 50/50 is what you hope to average in the end! This isn’t a suggestion that you need to keep score. It’s merely a reminder that relationships take work.

4. Reading the book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” isn’t a guide to a healthy Christian relationship.
I may get some pushback for saying this, but I know too many people who were encouraged to read this book by well-intentioned youth group leaders in their churches and now have unhealthy outlooks on what a healthy Christian relationship should look like. The point is this: it’s ok to date. And it’s ok to date people who you might not end up marrying. It’s great to have expectations [and you should] for the person you’d like to spend your life with. Maybe the person you end up marrying will have been the first person you dated. Or met in seminary. But that’s not likely going to be the case, nor is it a guarantee that it will last. Those expectations for your ideal mate aren’t always clear at 18. Or 24. Or 33. So maybe it’s time you took a pen and revisited that list you wrote in your high school youth group, as my friend, Laura recommends.

5. Real love isn’t something you fall into.
It’s a choice you make. This sage bit of advice is from my Pastor Sandy in Seattle. We have no shortage of romantic comedies and novels that have us hoping to be swept off our feet after a chance meeting at a coffee shop. And hooray for those who want that sort of thing and get it. But for the rest of us, being in love and staying in love is a choice we make daily, in relating with the person we care for, whether it’s a spouse, partner, lover or friend.

6. It’s ok to go to bed angry.
I have a hard time with this one. Perhaps it’s that verse from Ephesians 4:26 that says, do not let the sun go down on your anger, that keeps ringing in my head. So I keep wanting to talk, wanting to find a resolution. But sometimes there isn’t one to be found with emotions running high. So I’m reminded by my friend, Eron, that: It’s ok to go to bed angry, because sometimes what you need is a good night’s sleep to be able to communicate well. And she’s right. Things don’t get solved when you’ve been hurling insults at each other or pointing the finger at who’s to blame. Sometimes you just have to say, Goodnight, I love you, and we’ll talk more tomorrow.

So there you have it: a few relationship tips to kick off the New Year from folks who have had their share of woes and joys. Happy New Year, and may 2013 bring about good health and much peace, love and joy.

Sophia Agtarap serves as Minister of Online Engagement
for Rethink Church with United Methodist Communications,
and is a candidate for deacon in the United Methodist Church through the Pacific Northwest Conference.
She spends lots of time musing and crafting stories of and for the church over a good cup of coffee.

This article will be featured in the upcoming January issue of Channels.  Visit www.pnwumc.org/channels.