Nurturing Elders and Others:
Listening: It does not just involve ears!
By The Rev. Paul Graves
“You don’t listen to me anymore!” “My spouse has selective hearing. What can I do about it?” If you’ve been tempted to say something like these comments — or have in fact said them (!) — I invite you to consider a little-considered secret: listening doesn’t really begin with the literal ears, but with the metaphorical heart! A spouse or parent may have a definite hearing issue (even when wearing hearing aids). But that is usually different from “selective hearing”. That has more to do with the process we call listening. Yes, we must select, make a choice, to listen — even when we hear just fine.
“Good listeners” project a level of empathy or a sense of caring about the person who is speaking. The talker feels accepted at some important level, even if the listener might not actually agree with what is being said.
But if the two people get into a verbal space where tensions between them are obvious to both? Is helpful listening a fatal casualty? Sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be. If the relationship between these people is “unequal” (like manager-employee, parent-child, etc.), the need for empathetic listening that communicates significant respect between both persons is crucial. This dynamic makes listening all the more important.
Back in late December 2015, when I led a Geezer Forum in Sandpoint (Idaho) on listening, I began with the statement that “Listening is a Full-Body Experience!” Complicating the interaction further is the reality that brain chemistry is actually a significant player in the conversation also. In an intriguing article in the Harvard Business Review from June 2014, I confirmed a suspicion I’ve had about how brain chemistry affects how we listen.
The authors, Judith and Richard Glaser, wrote about “The Neurochemistry of Positive Conversation”. To briefly summarize: if someone speaks to us in negative, even fearful ways and we aren’t ready for it, a hormone called Cortisol is released at high levels.
Cortisol can “shut down the thinking center of our brains and activate conflict aversion and protection behaviors…Cortisol functions like a sustained-release tablet — the more we ruminate about our fear, the longer the impact.”
In a more positive, mutually-respectful conversation, another hormone is released. This is Oxytocin, a feel-good hormone that helps us “communicate, collaborate and trust others by activating networks in our prefrontal cortex.”
The authors call this understanding the “Chemistry of Conversation.” That term is even stronger when we remember the original meaning of Conversation is “to live together” (14th century meaning, folks.) So let us remember: ears are important, yes; but the heart helps your ears hear better.
The Rev. Paul Graves serves as the chair for the Conference Commission on Older Adult Ministries for the PNWUMC.
