Nurturing Elders and Others:
Making Friends with Grief
By the Rev. Paul Graves | “Grace” photo by Eric Enstrom
I think grief’s real task is to take our love to a deeper level. A level born of Gratitude.
-The Rev. Paul Graves
If you have experienced any kind of significant grief within the past year — or the past 50 years for that matter — you likely found Christmas time to be a somewhat difficult time. Grief, whether new or old, has a way of intruding into your daily life during moments you normally think of as positive and celebratory.
Consider this as you wonder how to deal with your own level and reasons for grief: instead of looking for ways to keep grief out of your emotional house, invite it in for a cup of cocoa, coffee, tea, or even a small glass of wine.
While you and your grief are sharing your drinks at the kitchen table or by the fire, sit quietly (tough to do!) and you may learn better grief’s real reasons for being in your life.
After you learn more about why grief visits both you and anyone who has lost a loved one to death, you just might consider the possibility that “grief” could even become your friend. Let me just say it plainly: I don’t think grief visits us to make us miserable.
I think grief’s real task is to take our love to a deeper level. A level born of Gratitude.
Do you know the painting simply called “Grace”? The man in the photo is a man named Charles Wilden who lived in Bovey, MN in the early 1900’s. The photo was taken by Eric Enstrom, and later colorized by his daughter. In 2002, this photo was named the Minnesota State photograph. Many of us have “Grace” hanging somewhere in our homes.
Mine was passed from my grandfather to my dad who gave it to me. One day it will be passed on to my son. I imagine the man bent over his simple meal intimately knew gratitude in part because he had made a friend of his grief.
Yes, I do know we have to get past that miserable part before we can see grief doing us any favors. And the misery is real, isn’t it! The emotional suffering is very real.
It can have real-life, negative consequences if not given the emotional respect it is due. To deny that we live with grief is also to deny that we live… period! We do need to take grief symptoms seriously. But that doesn’t mean we have to fear them, run from them or deny them.
That fear imprisons us emotionally. And it also shuts us off from all that grief is ready to teach us in the long-term about the deeper layers of meaning about how love actually works in our lives.
“I’m learning to appreciate each day for the gifts it brings.” “I treasure each person in my life and try to tell or show them how I value them.” You may have heard similar sentiments echoed by someone else. Or you heard yourself say them. Do not dismiss those sentiments.
But consider that grief likely has many more, deeper-lasting bits of life-wisdom to offer you in the days, weeks, months, and years ahead. That potential wisdom is why being patient with ourselves can help us befriend grief rather than reject its tenacious presence in our lives.
If we are afraid, we will never be able to let grief soften our hearts. To live in healthy relationships with those persons we value in our lives, our hearts need to be soft enough to embrace those people when either of us hurts – whether on this today or a future today.
So consider inviting grief to be your new friend. That act can begin a new level of grace and gratitude in your life.
